BY Russell Wardrop

DATE: 25 JAN 2010

Purpose: To deliver a bawdy and racy account of the foibles of The Fairer Sex, then to come to the conclusion that they are the very reason for our existence.


The Toast To The Lassies should normally be ten to fifteen minutes long, but can be five if you’re terrified and it’s a small, informal affair.

So gentlemen, please avoid the biggest mistake made here: going on to the internet and finding all the crudest jokes you can find. I’m not saying that you won’t get a laugh or ten with the basest stuff you can find, especially if it is an all-male event (though these are few and far between these days).

Firstly, as for the Immortal Memory, try to find a theme. It should not be too difficult. You can choose a modern one such as marriage, equality, the workplace, modern families or relationships. Or of course there is plenty of material in Burns’ life and poetry. From there fashion the material into some kind of story, and here is a sure fire way of getting a hit: start with a bit of self deprecating material about yourself as an intro, go on to getting right into the foibles of the fairer sex, then finish off with some complimentary remarks, including Burns poetry.

Now, there is not excuse for not nailing this. Once you have a bit of a narrative by all means go and find a few internet jokes that fit, avoiding any that are gratuitous or too offensive.

If you only read this last sentence: have a bit of a go at yourself; don’t go over the top with crude internet humour; and remember to put some Burns in!


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